Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Of Assholes and Afterthoughts

Why is it we never think of the perfect thing to say in a moment until after that moment has passed?

While I was at the gym today (24 Hour Fitness) I was minding my own business on the treadmill, working my way back to the point where I'll be able to run 5 MPH for 60 minutes (currently I'm doing 3.5 MPH for 40 minutes) when a woman on the treadmill next to me started poking me in the shoulder to get my attention.

As soon as I took out the earphone for my portable CD player (I'm to cheap to buy an iPod), she starts going on about an announcement the gym staff had just made over the PA system. "You've got to get off your treadmill now! They just said over the PA you can only be on the cardio machines for 20 minutes at a time!".

I was so stunned that she had even been poking me in the shoulder, let alone the anal retentive tone she was using with me, that all I could do was just turn off my treadmill and walk away. I was that amazed.

Afterwards, I thought of the perfect thing to say to that asshole bitch (pardon my language), but of course it was to late. I should have said "I'm guessing you were a hall monitor in school from kindergarten through your senior year. Weren't you? Well, find a teacher and report me if you want, and in the meantime, mind your own f***ing business!"

I could have also reminded her that intentionally touching someone without their permission and/or consent could be construed as assault, and if I was as much a bastard as she was a bitch (again, pardon my language), I could press charges and have her arrested. Would that have been to much?

Sorry for all the swearing in this post. Normally I don't talk (let alone write) that way. I've always felt that with over 300,000 words in the English language alone, it showed lack of intelligence to use the same four letter ones over and over ad naseum, but in this instance, I was provoked.

I've heard it said "Hell hath no fury like woman scorned". Well, I have a new one for the world, "Woman's scorn is nothing compared to a Wesley pissed off."

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